i barfeds in our rink
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
