Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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