I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
