i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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