barbara walters just said penis...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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