after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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