I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
