why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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