Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
