in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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