I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
