dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just forgot I was standing up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
