I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
