so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
