just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
