ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
