Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
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You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
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You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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