I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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