I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
