Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
