All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
