I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
