woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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