Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
