Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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