Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
