I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
