wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It's shark week go big or go home
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
