No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
