when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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