there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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