if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
