Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
