i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
