My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
