you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
