don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
did i walk over a car last night?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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