I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
