We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
