Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
