Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
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He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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