Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
