my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
