you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
