and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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