Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
