I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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