it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
