I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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