it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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