Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
