there's paper in my vomit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
