Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
