Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
