I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
