Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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