i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
